Your asshole parents have purchased a security system with streaming video and audio that they can tap into from anywhere. Everything’s encrypted so mightily that only MIT and Stanford grads can hack into it. Now when you and your friends need your much-deserved breaks from school or other hassles, you can’t use your place. Think […]
Read More...Stoneslide Gift Assist #1: For the Couple that Can’t Agree on the Holidays
Finding the right gift can be so hard. Especially if you are of a cynical, doubting, sarcastic disposition and your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is of the seasonally uplifted and joyous hordes. Your insightful observations about the absurdity of going to the mall when everyone in the world is already there are met with blank incomprehension. Your comparison between the mall and a watering hole in the desert kindles a spark of resentment. Your suggestion that a few predators might help the situation at the mall raises the flames and you’re back in that argument about your attitude again.
Read More...Stoneslide Gift Assist #2: Silent Night and Day
Do your dipshit parents constantly bitch if you stay in your room when relatives visit during the holidays? Do they, further, whatever time of year, insist on trying to get you to listen when they speak? Stoneslide Media has the gift for you: Silent Night and Day.
Read More...Stoneslide Gift Assist #3: Rudolph the Red-Cheeked Sobriety Buddy
Rudolph will fit in in any setting and he will get along with anyone, including folks who aren’t heavy drinkers! In double-blind trials, Rudolph’s behavior, speech, and even his skin were so genuine that unmarried female study participants offered him their phone numbers unbidden 26% of the time. (Married female participants offered 80% of the time.)
Read More...Professor Suspended after Dispute with Student’s Parents over Grade
Don’t think for yourself. Don’t hold yourself to standards. That’s the message Dale Prentiss says his college is sending after he had a disagreement with the parents of one of his pupils.
Read More...Researchers Find People Look Thinner When Their Dogs Are Obese
People who were described as obese or overweight when alone or next to a fit dog were described as fit or slightly overweight when beside an overweight dog. Also, the greater the dog’s weight relative to its frame, the thinner the person appeared to be. Morbidly obese dogs had the most powerful slimming effect.
Read More...He who laughs last
is slow on the uptake.
Read More...Fast Food Trade Group Wins Over American Taxpayers
“Complainers have pointed out that some of our full-time employees still qualify for Food Stamps and Medicaid,” says Clarence Duckmueller, the president of BA. “We recognize the burden that this places on federal, state, and local government budgets. Since taxpayers are ultimately the ones who bear this burden, we decided to directly compensate them.”
Read More...What to Do with Your Leftover Leftovers
In the three days immediately following the Thanksgiving holiday, the American news media ran 4,378 dispensations of advice on what to do with Thanksgiving leftovers, according to a media survey performed by The Stoneslide Corrective. These chirpy radio bits, television segments, and newspaper columns were undoubtedly of great utility; why else would there be so […]
Read More...Using Leftover Leftovers that Remain Left Over: the European Edition
by Erica Gingerich So Thanksgiving is finally done and gone. You’ve crashed back to earth following the commercial sugar high from Black Friday shopping and the toxic glycemic effect it had on your credit cards. Hopefully everyone’s packed their leftovers into the freezer for reuse at a Christmas or Christmas-like dinner (or to survive […]
Read More...University of California’s Academic Standards for Student Athletes Ridiculed in Rival School’s New Recruiting Materials
Do you want to be a used car salesman? Do you want to work the overnight shift for a janitorial service? Those are just a couple questions one college’s athletics coaches will soon be asking prospective recruits. In a new recruiting program seen as a swipe at the University of California and its worst-in-the nation […]
Read More...A simile walks backward
when I slide my tongue into the slot in an electric outlet my skin burns, my heart pounds, all my senses jump like I had just kissed your lips.
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