Researchers have long known that naked mole rats don’t get cancer or tumors. The ugly little rodents can live to over 30 years of age and yet no naked mole rat has ever been seen to develop a tumor. Recent investigations have uncovered the fact that they produce an oversized form of a substance called […]
Read More...A Middle Manager Delivers a Speech at His Brother-in-Law’s Barbecue
Have you ever noticed that if you’re standing in an elevator and you fart, someone you know is bound to get on at the next floor. But, you know, if you’re near the coffee machine, the smell of the coffee covers up almost anything. Drug smugglers use it to fool the dogs, don’t they? You […]
Read More...Sociologist Finds Absurdity Has Critical Role in Human Power Dynamics
A sociologist at Gulf Isthmus University has used a study of workplace kitchenettes to fundamentally upend the theory of authority. The study by Fiona Hayes-Verhorsihs has been hailed as bringing “illumination” to how power is exerted in organizations and why people obey those they perceive to have authority. Over six years, Hayes-Verhorsihs placed signs in […]
Read More...How Can Congress Top This?
Over the last two weeks, the US Congress has destroyed $24 billion in economic value, degraded the country’s reputation around the world, and put a major damper over millions of lives for no discernible reason. They’ve set a very high bar for themselves. Can an institution apparently devoted to meaningless waste and destruction ever do better than this recent shutdown and debt ceiling standoff?
Read More...Breaking: House Republicans to Change Course after Closed Meeting
A rump faction within the caucus continued to object that these were just numbers and made up like other science. The consultant explained that pollsters talk to real people, people who will vote in future elections. To demonstrate the principle, he called several random voters, all of whom responded with expletives and threats when asked what they thought of Congressional Republicans.
Read More...Solve the Impasse—Fiction Writers for Better Misinformation Proposal #4992
Along with a continuing resolution to fund the government and elimination of the debt ceiling, pass a bill enabling people to opt into two new programs under Obamacare—we’ll call them the Public Option and the Prayer Option.
Read More...Confused Love Poetry
Today I saw a pigeon that looked so much like a blue jay
I couldn’t tell it wasn’t a blue jay
Until I tried to kiss it.
Some Smell Thing
Tina loved the way he smelled when he held her. She’d first noticed his particular kind of cleanness, as if he just naturally emitted the scent of fresh air in the mountains, when he’d touched her shoulder standing by the copier and left his hand there long enough to mean something, to definitely mean something.
Read More...Utility Executive Demonstrates How Average People Will Suffer if His Company Is Fined
The President and CEO of Tohd Power and Light took advantage of a recent town hall meeting to prove that the public will be harmed if his company is fined for overcharging customers.
Read More...I used to feel perfectly American
when eating bacon, eggs, steak, spicy wings, and mashed potatoes with my Remington 870 12 gauge over my shoulder and my Sig Sauer .45ACP at my side. Then my smart-mouthed friend Will asked why I don’t use my guns to eat. Well, I couldn’t get that idea out of my head.
Read More...New Business Helps Wealthy Hold Onto Self-Importance in Modern World
We recently got a special tour of a new venture on Madison Avenue that has been causing quite a stir. The business is called Mammonary Springs Wellness Center. Because Mammonary Springs is secretive to the extreme, a number of far-fetched rumors have bloomed—ranging from the suggestion that it provides a fountain of youth-like treatment to the insinuation that it is simply a high-end brothel.
Read More...Pope Francis’ Twitter Account Hacked; Ex-Pope Benedict XVI “a Person of Interest”
The Holy See confirmed that the pontiff’s stream was penetrated but insisted that the offending tweets were taken down “faster than you can say ‘Galileo.’”
Church officials say they take the pope’s security seriously, and “that includes his Twitter stream. We cannot have the Holy Father being violated,” says Antonio Russo, legate a latere and a spokesman for the pontiff.
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