“It’s a miscarriage of economic justice to let poor and middle class people become rich suddenly,” she says. “They ruin themselves with drugs, gambling, and ladies of the night. They don’t know how to say no to moochers.”
Read More...The Pony Parenting System
Every kid loves a pony. This well-known fact forms the basis for a revolutionary new parenting system based on the combination of leading-edge behavioral research and bleeding-edge technology.
Read More...How to Feel Good About Yourself (no matter how fat, dumb, or insignificant you may be)
Recent research has shown that nothing is better for our sense of well being than staying in touch with other people. But what if people can’t stand to be around you?
Read More...After Accident, Utility Bars Investigators from Plant
A Northern California power company is stopping government inspectors from probing a mishap that sent five employees to the hospital.
Read More...A Middle Manager Fends Off an Attacker with His Resolve and Quick Thinking
CLIENT: This is unacceptable. MIDDLE MANAGER: I’ll get my supervisor.
Read More...A Middle Manager Heroically Fights the Battle of the Sexes by Dispensing Dating Advice to His Nephew
You would think it’s the really dark nose hairs you have to worry about, but actually it’s the light-colored ones. They stand out a lot more. Unless the dark ones are protruding from your nostrils—then you need to trim those, too.
Read More...Alex Rodriguez Preemptively Apologizes for What the Next 40-Plus Years Are Going to Be Like
I suppose while I’m on this momentary vacation from my true character and under the very brief spell of honesty, there are a few others to whom I should apologize. Pipe down, Seattle, I’m not talking to you. If anything, you should be thanking me, or at least taking back all those hurtful letters you wrote me. You called me Pay-Rod and A-Fraud when I left for Texas—among other more colorful and vengeful sobriquets—but yours was the only team that got what everyone seems to have wanted from me—purity. I still don’t see why being pure is such a desirable quality, by the way. Do you want a virgin in a white dress or do you want a monster who hits 50 bombs a year?
Read More...Success = Insanity
It has become clear to us that all successful people are completely insane. Some hide it better than others. But to our minds, whenever you look closely and long enough at someone who has attained a level of eminence, you’ll find there’s a sort of film between you and that person, because they have separated, […]
Read More...Minister Trademarks Word “Fornicate”
An Evangelical Christian pastor hopes use of a word describing sex will put money in his bank account. The Reverend Johnny Gawn says, “the word ‘fornicate,’ first of all, should be stricken from the language. But if people must use it—and worse, commit it—it should give greater glory to God.” Reverend Gawn says glory can […]
Read More...True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway
WIFE: I’ll leave in a couple minutes, and I should be home by 5:30. ME: Okay. Please drive carefully, sweetheart. I’d hate to get stuck making dinner for the kids if something happened to you. More True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway: True Things: “pretty like you” True Things: arriving at Grandma’s True Things: […]
Read More...True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway
COWORKER: Good morning. ME: Hi. How was your weekend? COWORKER: Same old. But any weekend’s good. How about you? ME: Yeah, the usual. Though a funny thing happened last night. COWORKER: Yeah, what? ME: I had this really long, intense sexual dream about you. More True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway True Things: “I’m […]
Read More...True Things I Shouldn’t Have Said Anyway
WIFE: Will you ever leave me? ME: Never! I mean, not unless I get one of those brain tumors that makes you do crazy stuff. Like the guy who became an arsonist. More from A Life Examined: Advice to Expectant Mothers Advice to Expectant Fathers While Waiting to Check Out
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