WIFE: When you look at your phone while I’m talking I feel like you don’t even care.
ME: I do care, sweetheart. I’m just not interested.
ME: What’s it feel like to be a newlywed?
COWORKER: It’s weird! I can’t believe it still.
ME: Does it ever cross your mind that if we had sex now, we’d both be committing infidelity? I think about that a lot.
WIFE: Do you ever think about the fact that one of us has to die first?
ME: Yeah. God, it’s terrible.
WIFE: I can’t stand the thought of living without you.
ME: Oh, yeah, I hope I go first. Can you imagine all the paperwork?
ME: How tall are you, honey? I can’t remember.
WIFE: Five foot six. Why?
ME: Nothing, really. I was just daydreaming about filling out a missing persons report.
PARTY GUEST: How long have you two been together?
WIFE: Six years. God, has it been that long?
ME: That’s right. If you count the time I was experimenting with being gay.
ME: Pass the salt.
ME: Kids, you just witnessed the most civil exchange your mother and I have had in probably a month. This relationship is going downhill.
WIFE: I’ll leave in a couple minutes, and I should be home by 5:30.
ME: Okay. Please drive carefully, sweetheart. I’d hate to get stuck making dinner for the kids if something happens to you.
WIFE: Why are you looking at that young woman?
WIFE: The one with the short shorts…
ME: Oh, I was just thinking about how much you and the kids mean to me and all the good things we’ve built together and how quickly I’d throw that away.
WIFE: It’s so exciting that in just a month you’ll be married.
FEMALE FRIEND: I know!
MALE FRIEND: Any advice for us? What’s the key to a happy marriage?
ME: Always delete your internet history. I’m serious. Every single time.
WIFE: Thanks again. Are they asleep?
BABYSITTER: Yes. They were angels. How was dinner?
WIFE: The food there is so good.
ME: Yeah. It almost didn’t matter that we’re desperately trying to find some romantic spark, and we keep failing.